A guy walks into a bar and sees a mean-looking horse
with a bucket of money
next to him.
The guy asks the bartender what the deal is.
"That horse is the meanest horse in town. What you do is, you put $5 in the bucket. If you can make the horse laugh, you get to take all the money."
The guy says, "Alright." He walks over to the horse, puts $5 in the bucket, and whispers something in his ear. The horse bursts with laughter. Laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs. The guy picks up the bucket of money and walks out.
A week later, a guy returns to the bar and finds the horse STILL laughing. There's a new bucket of money beside him. Again, the guy asks the bartender what the deal is.
"Well mister, I don't know what you said to that horse, but he hasn't stopped laughing since. So now the money is for anyone who can make the horse cry."
The guy says, "Alright." He walks over to the horse, puts $5 in the bucket, and does something quickly and subtly, so that only the horse can see. The horse bursts into tears. Cries and cries and cries.
The guy picks up the bucket of money and starts to walk out.
"Wait!" yelled the bartender, "Last week, NO ONE could make that horse laugh, and you did. This week, no one could make that horse cry, and you did! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"
"Well," said the guy, "Last week I told him I have a bigger dick than he does."
"And what about today?" Asked the bartender.
"Today, I showed him."
The guy asks the bartender what the deal is.
"That horse is the meanest horse in town. What you do is, you put $5 in the bucket. If you can make the horse laugh, you get to take all the money."
The guy says, "Alright." He walks over to the horse, puts $5 in the bucket, and whispers something in his ear. The horse bursts with laughter. Laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs. The guy picks up the bucket of money and walks out.
A week later, a guy returns to the bar and finds the horse STILL laughing. There's a new bucket of money beside him. Again, the guy asks the bartender what the deal is.
"Well mister, I don't know what you said to that horse, but he hasn't stopped laughing since. So now the money is for anyone who can make the horse cry."
The guy says, "Alright." He walks over to the horse, puts $5 in the bucket, and does something quickly and subtly, so that only the horse can see. The horse bursts into tears. Cries and cries and cries.
The guy picks up the bucket of money and starts to walk out.
"Wait!" yelled the bartender, "Last week, NO ONE could make that horse laugh, and you did. This week, no one could make that horse cry, and you did! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?"
"Well," said the guy, "Last week I told him I have a bigger dick than he does."
"And what about today?" Asked the bartender.
"Today, I showed him."
The Mouse and The Bear
The mouse and the bear hate each other, but they both have the same goal, which is to find the magical frog genie who would grant three wishes to any who would find and free it.
So the mouse and the bear decided to let their hatred aside and work together to find the frog. For days they would struggle in the deep forests trying to find that damned frog.
One day though, they found a cave in which inside was the magical genie. Ecstatic, they both sprint to the lamp and both summoned the genie at the same time.
"Thank you," says the genie appreciatively. "It has been far too long since I last got out of that lamp. Since you both summoned me at the same time, I will grant both of you three wishes each."
The mouse and bear jumped with excitement as they thought about their wishes. "So tell me, my good friends, what is it you would like to wish for?"
The bear steps forward first as he says his first wish, "I wish that I was the most attractive bear in all of the world!"
The genie grants his wish, "It is done."
Next the mouse steps forward and gives his wish, "I wish I had a beautiful helmet, able to sustain any crash."
The genie waves his hands and a beautiful flaming black helmet appears on the floor next to the mouse.
The bear steps forward again as he gets ready to say his second wish, "I wish that all of the bears in the forest were all attractive female bears!"
The genie smirks and grants his wish once more, "It is done."
The bear looks at the mouse and gives him a mean smirk. The mouse does not like that, he thinks about his second wish very thoroughly.
He looks back at the bear, he gives the meanest smirk ever, the bear knew that he was up to something bad.
The mouse steps forward to ask for his second wish, "I wish I had a beautiful motorcycle to match my helmet."
The genie again waves his hands, with a little more force this time and a beautiful black flaming motorcycle appears right in front of the mouse.
The bear, eager for his last wish, steps forward one last time to give is final wish, "I wish that all of the bears in the whole WORLD were female bears!"
The genie becomes confused, but does not argue, he waves his hands and he completes the bear's wish.
The mouse laughs as he puts on his helmet and gets on his motorcycle, he turns it on and the engine roars. He looks back at the genie, "I wish this Bear here is gay."
At the Pearly Gates
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second.
"I had a heart attack", says the first guy.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Oh Littly Johnny does it again
His dad has his pants down
and is messing with a condom.
Little Johnny asks, "What are you doing, dad?"
His dad says, "Um...ah...I'm looking for a mouse.?"
Johnny says, "Why? Are you gonna fuck him?"
Little Johnny asks, "What are you doing, dad?"
His dad says, "Um...ah...I'm looking for a mouse.?"
Johnny says, "Why? Are you gonna fuck him?"
Three friends decide to go work for the CIA
Somehow they all manage to wrangle an interview, and the first guy is in a room with the chief of the CIA.
Chief says, "So, you want to be in the CIA, do you?" And the man responds that it's his calling in life, and a job as an agent is one he would be well suited for.
"Well," the Chief says, "We actually have your wife, in the next room." He pulls out an old-school revolver and places it in the man's palm.
"We want you to go in there and shoot her to prove your loyalty." Well, the guy bolts, because he loves his wife.
Second guy comes in, same deal. When he's given the gun, he thinks about it for a moment - weighs his future career against his love for his wife - and decides that he just can't do it.
The third guy, however, asks a follow-up question: "If I kill her, am I in?" The Chief responds in the affirmative and the guy takes the gun, steels himself with resolve, and goes into the next room. The Chief hears some clicking, followed by some crashing and banging, and the man comes back in with blood on his clothes.
"Jesus Christ!! What the hell happened in there? What did you do?!!?"
"Well," the man responds, "some idiot loaded the gun with blanks so I had to kill the bitch with a chair."
A farmer's wife was lying in bed
Her husband comes in
holding a pig in his arms.
The farmer says, "This is the filthy animal I've been cheating on you with."
His wife says, "That's disgusting, you should be ashamed of yourself!" to which the farmer replies,
"I wasn't talking to you!"
The farmer says, "This is the filthy animal I've been cheating on you with."
His wife says, "That's disgusting, you should be ashamed of yourself!" to which the farmer replies,
"I wasn't talking to you!"
.gif "Batman and Friends")
Giver Her Another Chance!
The blondes of America are
sick and tired of being made fun of for being air heads. So a group of blondes
get together and go to the head of NBC with an idea.
Their idea is a game show where the audience is filled with blondes and the host will call blondes up to the stage at random and ask them questions so they can prove how smart they are. The president of NBC agrees.
On live TV, the host calls the first blonde up to the stage at random. He says "We are going to start with math... What is the square root of 81?" The blond thinks real hard and says "82??" The host says "No, no. I'm sorry that is incorrect."
One of the blondes in the audience yell "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE. GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"
The host, realizing this might be embarrassing, realizes he is going to have to make this easier than he thought, so he asks the same blonde:
"What is 55 minus 20?" To which she replies: "37?"
The host says: "No, no. I'm sorry that is incorrect.
Half of all the blondes in the audience yell "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE. GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"
The host, now realizing this is turning out to be a disaster, is going to have to make this much easier and asks the same blonde: "What is 5 plus 3?" The blonde thinks real hard and counts on her fingers and after 30 seconds says "8?"
All the blondes in the audience yell "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE. GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"
Their idea is a game show where the audience is filled with blondes and the host will call blondes up to the stage at random and ask them questions so they can prove how smart they are. The president of NBC agrees.
On live TV, the host calls the first blonde up to the stage at random. He says "We are going to start with math... What is the square root of 81?" The blond thinks real hard and says "82??" The host says "No, no. I'm sorry that is incorrect."
One of the blondes in the audience yell "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE. GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"
The host, realizing this might be embarrassing, realizes he is going to have to make this easier than he thought, so he asks the same blonde:
"What is 55 minus 20?" To which she replies: "37?"
The host says: "No, no. I'm sorry that is incorrect.
Half of all the blondes in the audience yell "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE. GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"
The host, now realizing this is turning out to be a disaster, is going to have to make this much easier and asks the same blonde: "What is 5 plus 3?" The blonde thinks real hard and counts on her fingers and after 30 seconds says "8?"
All the blondes in the audience yell "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE. GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"
Little Johnny is pure Genius
So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.
One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."
She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it."
But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties.
After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue."
"Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money."
She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.
His dad exclaims: "That smart ass! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
.gif)
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